Running Theme

Do you ever notice a running theme in your life?  I liken it to being hit over the head with a brick.  Obviously, the signs have been there for a while, but apparently I don't see them so what works with me are large, heavy bricks, red flags....  well, let's hope not.  I have learned a few lessons that way, which in turn taught me a lesson in it's own.  Pay attention.  If you are what you eat and you are what you surround yourself with, well, there shouldn't be any surprises.  Somewhat true, but life has a way of Changing...coming at you, and you must be paying attention.  So my running theme for the moment has to do with me...  and how I do what I do.  Someone just asked me this a few days ago.  I've been asked this question before, "How do you do it? How do you do what you do?"  (This is encompassing raising two girls alone, work full time and then some and the financial, emotional and spiritual demands this requires.)  My short answer is, "I don't ask."  I really don't sit down and give it too much thought. If I did I might potentially get scared and run away! I often berate myself for berating myself.  We are by nature our own worst critic, perhaps, those of us blessed with a moral compass and concious.  So I pay attention to what I do.  How I conduct myself, what I put out, what I put in my relationships, and what I give to Me.  I learned that one being hit by a cement truck.  I have to come first, or there's nothin' for nobody...  So, yeah, that's how I do it.  Part auto pilot, get it done, trudge ahead, sometimes giving myself a good kick in the ass, and paying attention to my needs and making sure what I pour out is refueled.  Wow.  My running theme has a sidebar of "being in the now".  This, while something I can say I thought about for a long time, is something I am practicing.  I spent a very long marriage waiting, wishing and hoping...  living with a sociopath, every day was brand new.  Each morning the slate was wiped clean and all the promises were brand new.  The apologies,well, they didn't go far after long.  I knew that much like a battered wife hurts more each time, simply because she knows it will happen again, that if he were truly sorry...well, it wouldn't.  So the little nuggets of hope I held onto got buried in bitterness and resentment.  And then Jo Ann got buried in layers of broken promises, dreams and lost herself.  I got sick.  Very physically sick, to the point I somehow pulled myself up and out.  I knew changing one action, would lead to the next and that somehow doing something different, would bring me something different.  And, oh, did it!  Its a story that is still being penned...  and I'm not waiting, wishing or hoping.  I am LIVING.  I won't apologize for feeling, the good or the bad.  Each moment, my now, is to be savored.  One lesson I learned earlier, before I realized how important now is...  is that in life, there is no balance.  There are only choices.  While donning my Supermom outfit each morning, I was setting myself up to berate myself.  Shoulda, coulda, woulda.  How about DID, DONE. NEXT?  We cannot do all or be all, but what if we give it our best?  You do the best you can, at that moment (the now) with the information you have.  And the result, you are present.  Your children have You. So I am over pleasing everyone else, flitting about in my "S" cape, trying to conquer the world.  My now, tonight, is to simply conquer a sinkful of dishes, and play with my children.  That is by choice.  My choice.  My choice that I won't worry about balancing my checkbook, sweeping the porch, or all the other things that will get done, when I choose to do them.  My now is here. And the running theme is that I do it with love and hopefully I am paying attention and there are no falling bricks, no cement trucks, and I am learning, growing, and present in these new chapters unfolding in my life.