Valentines Day

Its 12:30.  I have made it through three flower deliveries and one chocolate delivery.  Two for the same girl, none for me.   Thats okay because I vowed to have no expectations today.  Instead of thinking about all the things he could do (and boy is the list long).... I should think about what I have, what I could do - for me and my girls.  Hallmark really set us all up on this one.  A day to share love is great.  There are many who love me and I love in return.  So I shouldn't get stuck on the romance idea of flowers and chocolate and jewelry.  Honestly, I'm not craving anything that can be bought.  I'm more of a love note on a pillow kind of girl.  A heart shaped pancake.  Whats got me so down today is that I am losing (slowly) the love of my life.  He is moving out.  In the iterim we are clinging to the days we have before he is officially out.  Beyond that he says we'll be fine.  We'll date.  We'll still be in love.  But for me its like being given the most precious gift only to be told here, hold it, now give it back.  You can't have it anymore.  The quiet of the morning, reaching over to feel his hearbeat and the stubble on his chin.  To have him open his eyes and say good morning angel (when I look like the devil) is what I am losing.  I'm aching and grieving, but somehow supposed to be smiling and thankful for what I have.  I know people are starving and dying and suffering all over.  There are soldiers who can't be here with their families.  There are people completely abandoned with no one to love seeking happiness from a needle in their arm or the bottom of a bottle.  We're all the same.  All seeking that warm fuzzy happy I have someone to love and love me back and take on the world...  And today, as people flit about buying mementos of love - I'd trade all that in for one more morning in his arms. My girls will enjoy Valentine parties with friends.  It is a sweet day.  We baked our sugar cookies.  We hung our heart shaped wreath.  I did experience the fairytale Hallmark holiday last year with dinner, wine, music, dessert, roses and jewelry.  I'm glad I did.  It was wonderful.  But shortly after that date I broke up with him because I couldn't have those mornings.  Damn't.  Thats what I want.  I try to say its not time.  Its not meant to be.  But its simply what I want and what fills me.  I flit around happy and energectic and motivated.  Without that love, I feel overwhelmed, burdened, cursed. Maybe I need therapy.  Maybe they'd tell me to be happy with me before I can be with anyone.  I've heard it all.  I just know that this heart God gave me wants what it wants. So whatever today means to you and your loved ones, I hope you fall asleep full and happy.  And don't forget it doesn't have to on the calendar to show and give love to all those you love in your life.